Lately I haven’t been writing as much as I used to, as much as I’d like to. So in an attempt to inspire a new entry (and annoy Chris with previous entries) I stumbled across moments I happen to forget about. Part of me wanted to delete these entries, forget every little thing the Cock-Heart left me with because just looking back made me angry all over again. I don’t want memories messing up how great things are now. But then again, I kind of like looking back and seeing how things have changed for the better. I like knowing that I’m no longer being lied to, deceived, cheated on, and hurt. I like the fact that I can look back and laugh at how dumb I was, how blind I was, and see now that everything DOES turn out okay even when at the time I thought it never would.

But one entry caught my attention the most. It kind of got under my skin when I realized how stupid I was all along. I read it and showed it to Chris and said I should have listened to him. He said things wouldn’t be how they were if I did. I guess things do happen for a reason. There’s just one story that needs to be finished.

Continuing with:
http://afroleayah.livejournal.com/24729.html

As time passed, Juliet continued to stay with New Romeo. Although familiarity did not bring awareness. She kept Run Away Romeo close to her side, continuing to confide in him whenever something went amiss. Run Away Romeo constantly picked up her pieces as he also worked on this own. He knew if he was going to keep Juliet in his life he was going to have to get over her.

Their friendship continued to grow to the point that Juliet got closer to Run Away Romeo more than she was with New Romeo. Though this caused conflict, Juliet would never push him away. She became dependent on Run Away Romeo, revealing everything to him and spending most of her time with him. This only angered New Romeo who despised Run Away Romeo.

Soon enough, New Romeo’s nerves were calmed when Run Away Romeo met his own love. This love matured him, changed him, and helped him move on. It seemed New Romeo and Juliet would be perfect for once.

However, that was only seemingly so. What happened during this time was hidden from Juliet, secrets were not revealed until the fall of their story. As they reached their climax, as Juliet and New Romeo began to fall apart, many things were uncovered. New Romeo was not a Romeo at all.

He had a secret life, a kingdom he created from a spur of lies. Juliet was simply a pawn in his game, she wasn’t his one and only. He had mistresses, nurses, and peasants for his own pleasures. It seemed our New Romeo was an astounding actor, deceiving the audience and Juliet. If only foreshadowing came forth in this story.

As New Romeo continued to cheat, lie, and commit other minor acts of treachery Juliet dispersed herself from him, noticing the distance New Romeo set between them. She would doubt, cry, and continue to confide in Run Away Romeo. It was only a matter of time that the two of them would part forever.

It was July 1^st when New Romeo came to Juliet. He had decided to get with Rossaline, a girl who he had feelings for and who happened to have the features of an elderly librarian. He paid his farewells to Juliet that day.

Juliet, like many times during those six months, turned to Run Away Romeo, the only Romeo now in her life. As she cried to Romeo, he then took his spot next to Juliet, devoting all his time to making sure she was safe. He’d stay up all night with her, talk to her throughout the day, and pull her through this. As Juliet’s heart began to heal, she began to fall for Romeo once again.

She kept her feelings secret, knowing Romeo was happy with the relationship he was in. She couldn’t take the role he once had, knowing how miserable she had been during that time. She could only be the next best thing, his best friend, just as he was for her.

But though she backed off, things continued to occur. Romeo and his love had their conflicts as well. Just as luck had it, they went their own ways. Romeo’s love was very similar to New Romeo.

With only each other now, Juliet and Romeo got closer than ever, helping each other move on. And it was only a matter of time until the wish they both desired, at separate times, came true.

 

 And for my entertainment: 

Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life;
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents' strife.
The fearful passage of their death-marked love,
And the continuance of their parents' rage,
Which, but their children's end, naught could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.

Two states, both alike in lack of dignity,
In fair Ohio and Oklahoma, where we lay our scene,
From boyish looking whores and hicks who are annoying,
Where a civil bite makes civil genitals unclean.
From forth the fatal lions of these two foes
A pair of star-crossed lovers get together
Whole misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with the planning of the death of Cock-hearts whom cause strife.
The fearful stalking of the death-marked freak
And the continuance of his rage,
Which, but the lovers’ end, will not occur
Is now the two hours’ traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
Watch as things settle down so these two can be together again.

Did you really expect me to sit down and explain? Because if I even opened my mouth, I knew you’d be too far gone. It wouldn’t make a difference anyway even if you were attentive because you’d never understand. To you, it’d either be lunacy or attention seeking. Because we all know how everybody’s mind works once you get to know them. And your mind works exactly like that.

I can’t just tell you I’m simply afraid because all I have to back that up is a gut feeling. And reasoning doesn’t go hand in hand with that. I can’t tell you why when it’s just a sense. I know what will happen if I do as you say. And I’m afraid.

It’s happened before that’s why when something tragic occurs, that gut feeling arises. I can only keep myself busy, trying to calm the tornado inside me. But with your constant bombarding of inquiries, how can I be tranquil?

I just wish I didn’t feel this. I want to be able to sleep and wake up tomorrow with everything okay again. Actually, I can bet money things will be okay. But from now and until then, I’m afraid I can’t sleep.

I’ve told you before; do you think the nightmares just go away?

They don’t, they never have.
I dreamt this would happen, like all the other things I’ve told you about, and it did.

How can I sleep knowing something else will be creeping back into my mind, a tornado of caution?

 

I don’t even understand anymore. I’m having a serious case of déjà-vu. I don’t want to repeat this again. I’ve been here before and once was enough. Didn’t I learn then that I was simply confused? Well maybe I’m wrong to claim that. I just didn’t look at the entire picture. Or maybe I just want something that won’t strike me down in the long run. I don’t even know anymore.

I don’t even make sense. Everything is so frustrating. I want to stop and take a step back. Maybe if I take a deep breath and relax, I’ll be able to think this through. Maybe I’ll realize I’m being ridiculous.

I just don’t know what I’m looking for or what I’m doing. I keep falling and getting back up, pretending like nothing happened. Is that what this is? Am I pretending?

I just hate this.

I keep hearing it. How long can I pretend it doesn’t affect me? It’s all a fucking joke.
I miss knowing that in a year everything would have been taken care of, everything all set up.
I don’t like knowing that isn’t the case anymore. Things changed too fast.
I hate this, I hate you. Every little thing you’ve said and done, I hate it.
I hate how you took this away from me; you took away my trust, future, love. Everything.
You left me with nothing but the cruel words of others.
The words mock me, reminding me that even this I can’t keep.
So I’ll start over. Easier said than done.
How can I hand out trust when you’ve already diminished it?
How can I set a future when you taught me everything changes?
And how can I believe in love when you proved it doesn’t last?
I just can’t do it.
I hate not being able to give my all because I know I have nothing to give.
You fucking took it.
And I’m a mess.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m completely over you.
I’m just not over the fact that I’m a mess,
that I’m afraid, ashamed.

How many times do I have to hear it?
Over and over again.
I never heard it before. You plagued me with this prospect.
I don’t want it to be true.
And how can I tell anyone what’s wrong when I’m ashamed?
I hate you for making me ashamed.

I want to keep quiet; maybe if I do it won’t be real.
Maybe everything they say is only bitter words. Maybe there’s no truth in it.

Will I ever trust again?
Will I ever have that seemingly amazing future?
Will anyone ever love me, like you said you did?

Or will what everybody keeps telling me
prove to be actuality?

“You’re destined to be on your own forever.”
“You’re going to live a lonely life.”
“You’re going to end up alone.”

Sticks and stones may break your  bones.
But words can never hurt you.
Whoever came up with that statement lied.
Just like you did.

How can I begin to explain? How do I match these feelings with words? Sometimes I don’t even want to say it, don’t want to try. Simply afraid that if I speak it, it’ll no longer be real anymore. And how can I live with myself if I am the cause of that?

Everything seems so different than it was months ago. Back when everything was just a spur of the moment, how things went just as quickly as they came. I’m so used to the solitude, to the desertions that I’m constantly expecting the worst. Is this just another spur? And if it is, how long will the moment be?

I want to just live in the moment, not have to worry when the next departure will occur. I just want to be happy.

Once I get to that point, once the optimism slowly arises, it’s only a moment in time that it’ll decrease once again. I can’t tell anyone, knowing full well it’ll only give them motivation to depart. Why not stay silent and just hold on a little longer?

Maybe I should just stop worrying so much. Maybe my very fears of being abandoned again are the reason they leave. Nobody wants somebody who doesn’t have much trust.

Maybe I just need reassurance you’ll still be here.

I know you’re barely hanging on, standing on the edge
Fearfully hoping that forever, I’ll pledge
Will this vow stay true, you wonder, or will I depart?
Take all that you have and give nothing on my part
Are you afraid I’ll be the next to go?
As you wrap yourself in past experiences, maybe you should know
That unlike those others, there’s a difference between I and them all
I’ll be the only one to catch you when you fall

I bet Jerry Springer would pay a fortune to feature us on his show.

I am sick and tired of everybody’s drama and I’m even sicker of how I get blamed for it all. Does everybody discard the crucial fact that this has been going on longer than I have known the guy? Apparently people take it into their hands to message his mother. His mother even blames me and she has a compulsive liar as a child. She said she’s met me twice and knows I have issues. As I recall the two encounters we had was when I was in his room or at the mall—where she didn’t even see me. My god, you sure are a great judge of character! I can’t get over the fact that this guy continuously trashes his friends yet when I have proof of what he said, it somehow gets turned around on me. I don’t even want to be in this! Is it my fault people ask me what he said? It’s not like I sit on the phone, calling up random people and saying “OMFG GUESS WHAT HE SAID ABOUT YOU!??!?!2111!11?!!?!?!” I have better things to do than that.

God damn, he has you all fooled yet he twists every little thing around so it looks like I’m the one to blame. Well fuck it. He can go live his life in a web of lies and entangle everybody he comes encounter with. He can tell his rumors and spread his lies. I’m done clearing up his messes. I’m done being at fault for his stupid shit.

Then there’s even bigger drama going around and the topic seems to be in every one of my friend’s mouth. “What is he going to do next?” Well honestly, nothing has happened yet and if it does, I no longer give a damn. I’m getting to the point where I believe he simply wants us sick with worry.

Why can’t anyone talk about anything else than these two guys? Why must I be forced into the middle of it? I was quite content before I met guy #1 and even happier when guy #2 was just a myth. My god. They need to all just go away. Or get together. They’re both equally immature and douse themselves in dishonesty that they begin to believe their own lies and it seems they’re both each other’s perfect match.

I’m starting to have my doubts and how to solve them is easier said than done. Sometimes I just feel like screaming as everybody around me constantly flip-flops back in forward. Does anybody even know the correct characterization? Or is it, as others have once theorized, nonexistent? I’m leaning toward the subsequent. However, how can I even be sure? Though the facts and precedent experiences tell me exactly what I’m dreading to hear, I want further proof. And how long will I wait for that? Will I allow myself to constantly let my guard down in hope that I’m wrong?

Honestly, how am I supposed to know? Nobody gave us a time limit that proves it exists. So how long do we strive for this meaning? Until we finally reach our forever? Because I’m coming to terms with the possibility that everybody has their own definition of forever. Everybody’s length of forever seems to vary .Baby, I’ll love you forever. Yeah, where’d you go the next day? Seems your “forever” met it’s extinction.

But I’m barely 17. How can I extinguish all hope this soon? Just because I wake up to discover somebody isn’t by my side doesn’t mean the next person won’t be. But then again no matter how much older I get, whose there to say that this won’t all repeat as I age? With divorce rate on the rise, how can I bet money that even if I get married I’ll have a fairy tale ending? I can’t.

Is love real? Is it only a feeling that occurs on a spur of the moment? Because everybody has altered its meaning for me. I can’t really place the blame on them, I suppose, for each of them have left because they love somebody else.  

Maybe love is there. It’s possible to love somebody. Only…how long does it last?
Is forever as long as we think it is?

Wipe your over made up eyes and get up off that dirty floor
It hurts to hear it but he doesn't want you anymore

Baby, baby, baby was and is all that's ever said
Well baby doll I hate to say it, but that love is long since dead

I want you, baby! was as much truth as lie
I need you, baby. may have left a sparkle in the eye
Don't leave me, baby! then put that sparkle out to die
Believe me, baby? was simply left with no reply.

So your baby, baby, baby left you while you cry all alone
Baby doll just stop and quit your waiting next to that godforsaken phone

Your baby,baby,baby won't ever come back around
He was never in love and he knew that without making a sound

So wipe your over made up eyes and get up off that dirty floor
It hurts to hear it but he doesn't love you anymore

Cock-Heart - n. A boy whose heart is in their dick.
              Ex. Johnny is a total Cock-Heart, did you hear about all those girls he got in bed?
             Syn: manhoe
Cock-Hearted- v. The act of lying to a girl to get her into bed.
            Ex. I can’t believe he just Cock-Hearted me like that, I thought he loved me.
            Syn: playing, using, lying, being a fucking douche.

Ways to avoid encountering a Cock-Heart:
1.) Don’t fuck every guy on the planet.
2.) The guys you do fuck, make sure they aren’t Cock-Hearts.
      a. They’ll most likely brag to other Cock-Hearts.
      b. Then you’ll have a swarm of Cock-Hearts on your ass.
      c. Unless you’re into anal, then discard that warning.
3.) Don’t wear skimpy outfits.  

I debated on writing this because after a million changes of opinions I’m sure I began to sound emotionally unstable. But after awhile I decided to anyway because everybody knows I can’t resist ranting. So we all know how I used to be all “Rawr, say no to teenage relationships!” then suddenly it switched to “Oh my god, I’m soooo in love! Discard all my previous opinions.” Now I remember exactly why I felt that way in the past. It wasn’t because I thought love wasn’t real, it wasn’t because my “heart is stone” which some people believed. And oddly, it wasn’t because everyone changes as they age. After actually experiencing this I now realize the whole problem.

I’m trying to think of a way to word it without offending a lot of my friends. I guess I can say this applies to most, but not all.

You boys love with your cock. 

It’s plain and simple. You build up girls with your false love and promises, having them believe you actually have feelings for them. You tell them that your heart is in their hands. Where is your heart anyway? I guess they forgot your heart is in your fucking dick and that’s the only damn thing you want in their hands.

I guess I’m being rude and maybe even inconsiderate. How can I just sit here and trash a majority of the male population? I suppose I should be fair to you boys and mention how girls are just as bad.

Attached below is a letter just for them.

Dear Ladies,

I am honored to inform you that you are also mentioned in my rants. You were nominated in the following categories:
1.) Believing Cock-Heart’s lies.
2.) Being a slut and giving it away under just a week.
I’d like to congratulate you on winning both categories! You may collect your reward at the end of this entry.

Sincerely,
Leah


So apparently our nominees were not aware of all the award rules. They must not have known that all Cock-Hearts around the world don’t actually love them and they’re probably unaware that Cock-Heart told all his friends about how he got her into bed after just a few days. I guess we cheated them out of that one, didn’t we?

I’d say that this sums about everything up. But I just remembered something! How could I forget the fellows that swear up and down, on relationships and even girls’ lives that they truly love someone?! I must be stupid! I know we have to make a shout out to them too.

So you see, I was engaged to a Cock-Heart. He had me pretty fooled, I believed his lies of wanting to be with me forever and all that great shit. Only six months later did an event occur! So we planned on having sex (I’m glad I’m not qualified for the giving it away quickly category) and when our plan wasn’t fulfilled he left me for another girl! Six months of vows that we’ll last forever and that he loved me with “everything and so much more” fell right down the drain the moment she fell to her knees.

I also love how he claimed “I did love you, I just couldn’t take it anymore.” Its okay, I understand completely that those blue balls were just driving you mad. So he says his relationship isn’t a matter of “letting love go for lust” and how could I be so narrow-minded to think so? I guess that it was just a coincidence that when we don’t fuck you leave me for some skank who gives it to you after two days. Oh, I’m sorry! I totally believe that she was a virgin before you. (Note: she is most likely a walking STD).

But wait there’s more!
How could I forget to declare the whole point of this entry? What is the moral?

Should I preach to all of you not to give it up to a Cock-Heart? Should I continue to point out all the warnings and signs? Should I tell you not to get involved in a relationship at such a young age? Of course not! We can’t deprive Cock-Hearts of their pussy.

So you make your own judgment. You take your chances and believe Cock-Heart’s lies. I won’t tell you love isn’t real because it is. We just have too many Cock-Hearts blocking the view of those who actually have a heart. So you go ahead and find that true love and all that mushy stuff!

What shall my next entry be about?
Cock-Heart, Cock-Heart, Cock-Heart! Give us updates!
Do you qualify as a Cock-Heart?
No way!
Then you’re probably a liar like all the rest of the Cock-Hearts.
Take this survey to find out.

[ ]You’ve been engaged more than once and during this engagement you’ve pressured a girl into sex.
[ ]You’ve told a girl that you loved her to get into her pants.
[ ]You think about sex more than 3 hours a day.
[ ]Your bible is Playboy and your movie cabinet is filled with pornos.
[ ]When a girl refuses to have sex with you, you leave her for a looser girl.
[ ]Everyone you come in contact with will describe you as constantly being in “lust at first sight”.
[ ]You claim to have had sex with 15 different girls.
[ ]You’ve taken nudes for more than 6 girls.
[ ]You’ve guilt tripped girls into taking nudes for you
[ ]You brag to your friends about getting laid (also known as Fuck and Tell).

 

If you have marked more than 3 of these then you’re a Cock-Heart. If you’ve marked under 3, you have no excuse. You still have Cock-Heart traits.

And to my Cock-Heart, I’d just like to add a little note for you. Three engagements at 16? Apparently something is wrong here. It should be a sign that this last one won’t work out if the other two didn’t. I just don’t even know what to think of you anymore. I mean, I’ve been engaged just once and I’ve learned my lesson. Apparently you just fail, Cock-Heart.

As everything begins to settle down, I try my hardest to gather my thoughts. Emotions keep bouncing up and down that it’s too the point that I just don’t know what to feel. How can I be hurt over someone who never gave a damn? How can I be happy even though I know I won’t be living a lie anymore? I’m left with one feeling and its anger. I don’t know how I can be so mad; didn’t he grant me a favor by leaving me, by freeing me from all these lies?

I used to read books for leisure on breakups; about how girls would realize what shit the guy was and find ways to get back at them. Each story ends with the guy realizing what an idiot he was for leaving, wanting her back, and the girl continuing on with her revenge. I remember thinking “ha, poor guys. Good thing I have one that’ll never do that to me.” The cards sure had fun screwing that one up for me, didn’t they?

I’m just like all the characters in the books, hurt only to become vengeful in the long run. I want to get him back badly, so horribly determined to hurt him the way he did to me.  Wanting to shove his broken promises and lies right back down his throat, wanting to snatch away the life he promised me from him. Will I even bother? Will it get to the point that this damn anger will get the best of me?

I don’t like being bitter. I want to believe “ex’s can be friends”. To be honest, I’d take the god forsaken pain over this intensifying anger. But the days the anger subsides, when everything we had seems so insignificant I start remembering who I was before him. Who I was before he stepped into my life and built me up so high on the belief that love was never-ending, before he helped me base my life around him only to have him take everything away. When those memories sneak past the anger, I realize I’m beginning to slip back into that conviction: nothing lasts forever.

With careful planning, constant mood swings, and a barrier too high for anyone to get in again I begin to realize I’m better off. When did I deserve these lies? Why did I allow him to consume so much of my time, so much of my love? Sure, I’m not exactly who I was before. I believe in love, I just don’t believe in forever. It’s sad but true. I remember before he came around I was at least a little optimistic, always ready for that special someone to sweep me off my feet and prove my theory erroneous. But it seems one can only take so much breaking until they finally lose all trust in people.

I don’t want to open myself up to anyone like that again. People will read this and think “oh no, she had a relapse! She was doing so well but she got depressed again.” Truth of the matter is, I’m not. I’m far from being upset over the shit he’s done. Sure, I’ll get pissed off like hell, want to get back at him for this. But I’m fine.

As I pull myself away from my once set “future”, I realize I’m not going to have somebody to take care of me. And why is that? Because I simply refuse. I don’t want to get married, I don’t want to have this life with one person, be extremely dedicated to them, have everything based around them only to have one small thing go wrong and I’m left with nothing again. I’m perfectly content with not being tied to one person who will only screw me over in the end.

So I know now that I can’t be the lazy girl I always was. No “Mr. Perfect” is going to do everything for me and take care of me. It sucked to realize that but as I start my planning I realize how much nicer and more fun things seem without having to worry about commitment.

My best friend and I planned what we were going to do. I’m going to not move to Texas, where Mr. Not-So-Perfect lives. I’m going to graduate from my school. When the time comes, I have my ride to Ohio. While in Ohio, I’ll wait for my best friend to graduate and when he does we’re both going off to college together. We’re majoring in writing and having a minor in acting. I’m going into journalism. I know it seems like I’m now basing my life around my friend, using him as a substitute but that’s not the case. No matter what happens between my friend and I, I’ll still fulfill this goal. 

And as time passes and things go to shit for him, I’ll be here. The anger won’t be as strong, I won’t be as resentful. But it’ll be enough to tell him, “I told you so.” It’ll be just enough to let him know that nobody will ever love him like I did. And he screwed that up all the while proving to me: nothing lasts forever.

“The storm will pass, it waves goodbye
I turn away as it passes on by
It never does last but I know it’ll come back again
Because nothing lasts forever, everything has its end."

 

I find it so hard to believe that just a few days ago  that everything was perfect, that my life was going great. I had a best friend, close friends, and then somebody who loved me—or atleast said he did. Then in one phone call everything changes so dramaticaly. Part of me expected this, everyone else warned me it would happen. But my eyes were so shielded by my bliss that I didn’t see it coming and when it did, it hit me head on.

I spent hours making a fool of myself, crying and wondering why. What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t I good enough? What does she have that I don’t? Everybody remembers how I used to be, I used to think love wasn’t real and that I’d stay single forever—I wanted to stay single. Then as time passed I met him. And he was amazing.

I know now that it’s too late. Whatever I did that messed everything up has happened and I know full well I can’t fix it. He’s with somebody else now, he even says he loves her. As I look back on my previous journal entries dated as far back as October and November, I wish I still had that same outlook. I want to believe I can make it on my own, that I don’t need anybody.

But I can’t find myself getting bitter unlike all the other times. I can’t lie to myself and say love isn’t real. I know it is. This was the first time I’ve actually been in love, this is the first time I’ve ever been hurt this bad. And though it brings tears to my eyes knowing that we’ll never have the life we planned together, I won’t let this bring me down.

Though he doesn’t love me, I have others who do. And somebody else will later in life. I don’t hate him for leaving me for somebody else, unlike all my friends and people that used to be his friends do. I want him to be happy no matter who he happens to be with. Yeah, it hurts knowing that he has somebody else when he promised to never love anyone but me. But I’ll be alright.

It is true when they say,

It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

I can’t blame him for breaking my heart and all our promises. He’s entitled to love whoever he pleases, he’s allowed to be happy. Why should I fight for him back if he’s never going to love me like that? I don’t want to be with somebody who will never feel the same for me as they did before. Even though I can’t blame him, I can thank him—no matter how weird that sounds.

I can thank him for the best six months of my life, I can thank him for pulling my out of my depression and showing me how to be happy, and I can thank him for showing me what love is really like.

I’m glad to say that things have finally calmed down, life as we know it has slipped back into the normality I had been hoping for. I know now that not everything can be perfect and exactly the same.  However, not everything is chaotic anymore. I can talk to those closest to me without the nagging feeling that we may drift apart and I can talk to everyone else without the constant fear I may slip up and get them terribly involved somehow. But though reality isn’t exactly as I was accustomed to I think I may be able to adjust to this new perplexity.

Everything is still as hectic as it was; I’m starting to wonder if anything will just settle down so we can slip back into normality. I don’t know how much more I or anyone else involved in this can take in. I don’t think we’ll ever be just ‘normal’ again. I can see everyone closest to me getting torn apart, struggling to accept the fact that not everything is as it seems. I can tell this very predicament is causing us to drift apart.

                Will we ever be the same again? The possibility that we won’t is what frightens me the most. There are days I want to embrace what lies ahead of me and look into it. I want to find every basic detail, every minor fact so that I know everything. I don’t want any more surprises. But then there are days, which most often occur, that I shy away from all this. But I not only turn my back on what is going on, I turn away from my friends. I know I do this yet I can’t seem to help it. I want to protect those who aren’t involved in case I slip up again. But those who are involved, it just tears us apart.

                Too much is on my mind, my thoughts keep intertwining and nothing makes sense anymore. I don’t want to believe what’s there yet it’s always in my face and I have no other choice. I wish I could be like my friend, who just doesn’t know anymore. That seems so comforting now, to not believe in this. I wish I could slip back into a made up world, the world I used to live in. I want to pretend so badly this never happened. I wish I could just wake up from this horrible nightmare.

                 There’s so much tension and I just wish I could close my eyes and when I open them again we would all be the uninformed kids we once were. But is this what growing up is: learning to accept without hardcore evidence? I don’t know. Is this what love is: trusting what you don’t know? I couldn’t tell you.

                All I do know is that everything has changed. Now I’m stuck on the reoccurring worry that not only our outlook on reality has changed but our personalities will change, what we are will change. What else can I do but accept? If I take on the misbelief of my friend then where will that get me? I know for a fact there’s no way I can turn back. I know that I believe everything that has been said, that has happened.

I just wish I didn’t.

                I can’t seem to comprehend everybody’s sudden obsession with changing. Wasn’t it just yesterday that everybody had fallen into the seemingly infinite qualities of what they wanted to be? I never truly believed that something can abruptly change overnight. But it seems my beliefs, what I once thought was improbable, has been altered as well as the personality traits of those around me. How can I simply support this? I don’t want those closest to me changing into what I detest. But my own opinions never seem to surpass theirs. It’s merely pushed aside.    

                 I don’t know what I believe anymore. I can’t keep sitting back as reality constantly takes twists and turns. I don’t want to keep watching everyone around me morph into something I don’t know. Would they forget me if they do? I, merely being a distant memory, placed in the back of their minds. Would these transformed friends even take the time to recollect on how things once were, before changing had become so essential that it overruled everything that once was actuality?

                Part of me longs for the way things were, that part wishes I never introduced those two. If they had never met, if I had never interfered then these problems would have never surfaced. But then there is the other part of me, the part that just wants my friend happy. So I try my best to silence my wakening fears of what is soon to come, I keep my thoughts away from my friend. I can’t help if other people find pleasure in repeating them.          

                However, once I dig beneath the surface I wonder how much of this is a façade. Where is the happiness that had been there not so long before? Even bliss has charred and changed into this constant worry that he may be pushed too far. When will he give in and extend his hand openly for this stupid process of alteration?  I don’t even know anymore.

                I don’t know what is and isn’t real. I don’t know who will be next to transform into someone unfamiliar right before my eyes. I’m sick of playing pretend, acting as if this doesn’t affect me. How can I hide these thoughts anyway? Another impossibility.

These worries, changes, and infeasibilities of reality may depress him, but it’s devastating to me.             

                I’m running on absolutely no sleep, these thoughts have kept me from it. Every time I’ve tried to lay down and at least shut my eyes for a minute or two my brain bombardes me with stupid replays of what has been happening lately. I’d truly appriecate it if it’d stop repeating these memories. Some things I’d simply love to repress.  Yet they continue to play, bringing me back down. I don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried everything to keep my mind off it. But how can I? If my sleep deprived brain isn’t pinpointing the exact moment this all started then somebody else is.  

                I want to say “screw it”. I don’t want to keep thinking about this. I know where it went wrong, I’m very aware of that. But what am I suppose to do? I don’t know how to fix anything. How can I ever slip back into the normality when I’m constantly surrounded by aberration?

                Even if I wasn’t delimited I don’t even know if I’d resist giving into this doubt. I feel so awful for saying that but I just can’t help it. I mean, sometimes just the near thought sends me back to the stupid illustration that shouldn’t even be painted in my mind for it hasn’t even occurred yet. It may not ever occur either, I don’t know. But where is the trust? Has it been frayed by a possibility that has not even been proven to happen? Why is it that I obsess over one little sentence and look past everything that I’ve ever had?

                These are the days when I ask myself “whats wrong with me?” Am I truly that much of an idiot? Am I willing to discard everything over a silly qualm? My mind is flipflopping. I really don’t know which side to agree with. I don’t want to wait and see what happens, I’m always fearing the worst. But what else can I do? All I’m capable of is waiting and worrying. Will it be what’s been promised, though the promise holds good fortunate the consquence for doubting would be immense? Or will it be what I’m dreading, every fear come, every accustion verified?

                I just  pray it’s not the worst.

                I haven’t been writing what’s actually been on my mind lately. The main reason for that is simply because I always end up crying. The more I write the more things I realize about myself. I dig too deep within my heart and try tearing out the things that have been secretly bruising it for months. I suppose that isn’t such a bad thing though. My written words turn into tears and the bruising heals a little. I’m starting to accept that I need to stop pushing all the painful thoughts away. Which is why I’m writing this tonight. It’s the only way any of these thoughts are ever going to get out. If only I could write them all down within a few hours. Unfortunately, my mind is too wild with thoughts, including hidden ones, to do that.

                I was lying on my couch yesterday, looking out the front window and for some reason everything just seemed as if it stopped. The dogs weren’t barking for once and the trees were moving slowly in the wind. I lied there motionless, knowing at any moment everyone would be coming home and life would be just as it always is. Lying there motionless for just those few minutes though, I realized I wasn’t paying attention to everything that has been around me. I’ve been completely ignoring everything.

                I almost want to continue ignoring it all. It’s too much for me to handle sometimes. I want to feel like I’m getting better, just let me believe it’s going to get better. I’m so sick of everyone I love slowly killing themselves. I try to ignore it but it’s so hard knowing they’re treating themselves like this and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I’ve learned that from experience. I tried so hard to keep them going, to keep them happy but nothing I did worked. I realize there really is nothing you can do but hope and support them as much as you can. Even though it hurts so much…what else can I do?

                It’s slowly coming to my realization that I feel so lost. I get the feeling like there’s so much ahead of me but I can’t seem to find my way there. I’m on the right path but I keep taking the wrong turns and having to turn around and start all over again. I walk in circles, saying I’m going to do one thing but then do another. There are days where I care too much and days where I just don’t care at all. Nothing is making sense in my mind anymore. I’m just trying to do anything I can to make people happy. I can’t even writing anything decent anymore because I can never make a good point about anything.

                I just don’t know anymore. I only know that I’m terrified of what’s ahead of me. It’s like I’m sitting in the middle of the road, letting everything just hit me as they come. I’m letting it all pass, healing without a complaint, not letting it get to me, but I’m still not getting off my ass and continuing down the path I’m supposed to be headed on.

                I’m stuck right now. I’m lost. I have no idea what I’m feeling anymore. I’m just letting everything be. I’m just going by what I know and seeing where it leads me.

                I’d much rather be hiding and sleeping like there’s no tomorrow.

                I have set myself seven goals for the summer. Reasons why, I wouldn’t be able to explain. It seems I’ve spent so much time online and writing, I decided to do physical and mental exercises. I know a lot of people are most likely going to mock these. These goals truly are odd. But none the less, I have nothing but time on my hands.

1.)    Switching my handedness and comb my hair, brush my teeth, stir my coffee and other simple tasks with my non-dominant hand. Close my eyes and “sense” my way slowly around a room. Get truly conscious of the sounds and smells in the space around me. Also, use my feet to pick things up, flush the toilet or close a door. Read a page in a book held vertically and then upside down.

2.)    Where I normally would criticize someone, find something to compliment them instead. Suspend my judgment about that person as well and view them as simply another person with different viewpoints than my own.

 

3.)    Look in my refrigerator briefly but thoroughly. Then close the door and enumerate the items contained therein. Do the same with a room in my house, a store front window or a detailed picture on the wall.

 

4.)    For five minutes every day, put myself in another person’s shoes and view things from another person’s perspective for a change. Suspend my judgment about that person as well.

 

5.)    Whenever I catch myself worrying, doubting, or looking down on myself, think instead of what I want most out of life in complete detail and affirm to myself the achievement of same.

 

6.)    At the end of every daily hour, review what happened during the previous 60 minutes. At day’s end, mentally review all the events that happened to me throughout the day up to the present point.

 

7.)    Do something different every day.

I’m doing each one for a week until I have gotten them all down. Hopefully I can stick to doing them every day. Let’s just see how far I get. Oh laziness, do not get in the way!

                I’m having a horrible time adjusting, an even worse time expecting what is to come. I just want to be prepared. I’ve gone through this countless times that complaining seems so feeble. Everyone takes their drama and shoves it under my nose. Well I don’t want to breathe it in anymore. I’ve had enough revenge that it’s making me sick. I keep trying to get back at people and it keeps getting me nowhere. I haven’t achieved anything. Sure, I’ve gotten a few laughs. It’s always fun and games at first. But after awhile, that guilt begins to surface. How can I just shake it off?

                I really shouldn’t bother. None of this would’ve happened if I just let it go. But I had such a big ego, thinking I was better than everyone. I know I’m not. I never was. Everything I’ve done, all the things I’ve said just proves that I’m by far worse than they are. I don’t even know them well enough to make judgments. They’re simply a couple of pixels within my computer screen. Why did I waste my time?

                But it’s really too late now. I’ve gotten myself into this. There’s no way I’m going to be able to just say sorry and have it go away. If only it was that simple. There’s times I think they deserved it. I wasn’t the only one who was bitter. But I know now, they didn’t deserve what I did as much as I didn’t deserve what they said. Who’s to blame? That would be both sides.

                But even if the fault is divided, it doesn’t take away the culpability. That horrid little nagging feeling doesn’t just vanish in time. I don’t know how to make it disappear. So how many more times can I apologize? Will I continue to get blamed? How much longer will it take until this all just blows over? I don’t want to deal with drama. I just want to forget it.

                I want to forget how horrible I was, I want to forget what they said about me.

                But what else can I possibly say? How else can I even make it up? I can’t just tell them “oh, I’ve made a mistake.” I don’t think they’re going to forgive. If I was them, I’d hold a grudge too after those nasty things I’ve said.

                I am sorry though, really I am. I’ve learned not to just seek out retribution. Where does it get me?

Merely stuck in a bigger hole.

                Seems like reality has taken a sudden twist, everything has changed once again. Now I’m beginning to question what is and isn’t real. People never realize what’s wrong when I want them to, they never notice when I need somebody to talk to when it’s absolutely necessary. They’re only aware of what is happening on the days I’d preferred they didn’t.  It’s funny how people are, the way life is. You only see something when you want to see it, when you look for it.

                Maybe my signs aren’t very clear. I mean, why can’t they perceive the extensive indication that I need them when I, well, need them? Am I so easily brushed off? I truly don’t understand why it works this way, why everybody notices something when they shouldn’t.

                How can one explain this? When silence is always the best option? When it puts one at risk? I want to scream out my perplexity, I want somebody to tell me its okay, you’re not delusional.  Where is the harm in that? I don’t mean to sound deplorable when I complain about the instability of this life and I truly do not intend to be a completely unpleasant when I whine about the unfortunate manner that nearly everybody has of looking past a common problem but what else am I to do?

                I’d just like to know why, that’s all. Why God would deal out certain cards, only to scatter them across the room and mix up every ordinary thing in my life. I simply wonder why everyone else has to notice the change yet look past what lead up to it. Why couldn’t they have noticed before?

Was that so much to ask?

Why aren’t you doing your job? I constantly ask you that question. Why won’t you give me an answer? I have set so many expectations for you, waiting for them to be fulfilled. Sometimes I wonder why you don’t follow through, why you don’t meet up to my demands. It’s those times I forget we don’t play by my rules. It’s not like before, where every little thing screamed now! now! NOW! It’s completely different.

I can’t keep setting the timer for when my orders are to be complete. I don’t think I’m in the position to give out orders anymore. Maybe I never was. But why won’t you just help me out here? Give me a little kick start so I know that I’ll have a strong enough fire to burn through the rest of the day? I look for reasons still. You’re fully aware of that, aren’t you? I want to break down the barrier that you built up to keep me on my toes. I want to see the full view. Why won’t you let me? Wouldn’t that be enough for me?

What am I suppose to do anyway? The only thing given to me is time. Well I don’t want time, I want answers. Do you expect me to look for these answers myself? Where do you fall in? Won’t you at least give me a hand?

I know I sound like a spoiled brat when I want things my way. But my only excuse is that I’ve forgotten. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be so dependent on one person. I’m used to doing things the way I’m accustomed to. Now that you’re here, what’s left? Can I not do what I want?

Because I’m no longer the same person as I was before. I’m no longer that girl who gets her way. Now I’m waiting.

Waiting for you to tell me what I need to do to pull through,
Waiting for the moment you’ll heal every little bruise and scar,
I’m just waiting.
Anxiously waiting.